It’s amazing what happens when you work really hard at something for a good amount of time and then all of the sudden as if by pure chance and circumstance and mostly magical accident, you become very good at the thing you are putting so much time into and then people start to notice and out of nowhere amazing things start happening.
And I think it’s about being yourself, like the more you do it, the more it becomes something you can own and through this ownership you become confident and steadfast, your knowledge of the thing starts to grow and build on itself until you are a bit of an expert in the thing you didn’t necessarily set out to be.
But there is a struggle at first- at first it’s really fucking hard and you want to quit, because we instinctually run from that which is hard or hurts- fight or flight if you will. But if you fight and fight really hard and hold out, feet to the pavement, head to the ground, pushing through and busting ass, the universe will recognize all the energy you are putting into her and she cannot help but react.
Take my friend Alex, who makes her own Kombucha, her first few batches sucked, sucked bad, but she didn’t give up, she altered timing and ingredients, testing, tasting, trashing batch upon batch until she mastered it, confident in her ability, she now makes store-quality Kombucha by the gallon.
Take my photographer for this blog, she decided to start her own photography business, I was one of the first humans she ever photographed, we had to work together to capture the vision of this blog, reconciling her vision as an artist, reshooting, reediting, relocating and through it she developed a confidence in her art, that she has translated to her business and now I have to book her weeks in advance.
Take my mother, who for years toiled endlessly in our garden, planting, pruning and planning and then one day took a job at a garden center and in no time, confident in her vast knowledge of growing cycles, soil composition and sun, she was designing massive container gardens and sculptural center pieces for the Governor and the big wigs of the biggest companies in Minneapolis.
I could provide countless examples of the brilliant people in my life who have experienced this very thing, on large and small scales and I find this toil to be true for this passion of mine for writing, for this blog.
You see the hardest part about publishing this blog is the writing, fashion is easy, jewelry making is cosmetic and that’s why the posts are sometimes so far apart I think- this time being a bit of an exception, being that I decided to celebrate my 30th birthday hardcore for four weeks straight. But it is so hard, that I will write three blogs before I get to the place where one vibrates and they have to vibrate or I won’t post them.
The vibration is hard to define, but it’s like this moment when you are touching the lips of the universe with your words and she is ever-so-gently reaching her soft tongue into the mouth of your language and your soul becomes aroused from all the best, most hidden places and you emerge from the page hot, wet and yearning for more.
I am sure this is why so many writers are drug addicts and alcoholics, because getting to this place is actually harder than it seems and sometimes just sitting down in front of the computer or blank page is an act in itself, sometimes it requires something to take the critic away, because in writing, or any art for that matter, there is a fear that the inspiration will just sit in you and never come out and then you create something and it’s lacking that tounge-kiss-panty-damp-vibration that resonates with the reader.
It’s this vibration that is addictive, even more so than the booze or the coke, it’s the vibration where you know you are making something really good and you can feel the success bubbling up like a luscious self-contained-confidence-toxin in the body and it comes like that nervousness you get when you meet someone you are really into, you are shy at first, timid at best, lips pursed, sex eyes ablaze, hoping you don’t say the wrong thing, but then three dates, two weeks and a month later and he’s still calling and you know how he brushes his teeth, how his laugh changes with the light and how he holds his fork, you’re still smiling and your heart suddenly knows how to two step with confidence and that’s when you know you have become it and can feel that comfort in your skin.
It’s the becoming, but I think it comes with time, patience, process and the passion to make it right.
And it’s the thing I fight for, in my writing and in the person I am constantly becoming, the thing we should all fight for, the thing that you meet and want to seduce out with every fiber of your being, the thing that you are both fascinated by and frightened of fucking up, the thing you can’t deny even if you wanted to, because it’s in you, inherently you and fighting it is futile.
Alex tasted the closeness of perfection in every batch, Jess felt the pulse in every brilliant click of the snapping lens, mom’s glorious mother-earth-soil-soul was awakened with every blossom breath and every single time I post a blog I am higher, happier and more fulfilled than I could remember last.
So perhaps the grand take-away for me is a little lyric, from one of the shortest songs ever, by Jack White that I always think of when I think of things like this “…And when you’re in you’re little room and you’re working on something good… but if it’s really good…you’re goona need a bigger room… and when you’re in your bigger room you might not know what to do… you might have to think how you got started sitting in your little room… la di da la di da da da da…etc. etc.”
And I remember where it all started, alone but for Tori and Fiona, in my little room on Lake Avenue, accidentally becoming myself and amazing things have begun to happen, cheers to 30.
This skirt is an oldish Amanda Christine, one of my favorite designers from Minneapolis- check out her fall line here
The shoes: MoJo Moxy, they discontinued this color but you can find similar here– also, I now officially own have 5 pairs of pink shoes, I never thought I would be a girl who owned one pair of pink shoes, let alone a collection.
The Shirt: Put sequins on anything and I will probably buy it- Shirt
The Necklace & Bracelet: Who knew you could turn pom poms into beads! Seriously there is an entire aisle at Hobby Lobby devoted almost entirely to these little crafty gems! I just had to figure out something to do with them- so easy, just thread a headpin through the center and voila- you have SUPER cheap fuzzy beads!
The Location: I have been obsessed with this spot since I moved to Austin, it’s a CHEVRON station, people! Who puts gorgeous mosaics of Ghandi and Guadalupe on the side of some random gas station on east Cesar Chavez- these people. My favorite is that it’s like a shrine to the FUNCTIONING pay phone- one of maybe two that I have seen since 2002, it’s truly a unicorn spot! You can’t really see it but on the outside of Guadalupe it says “Call your Mother” hahah! The mosaic artist has done lots of really great pieces around the city, check her out here
So much HOT PINK in my life right now- nails